A standard part of any disaster, natural or otherwise, is that it compels all the worst of the surrounding society to declare that it was caused by their personal enemies, as the cause. Conspiracy theorists are one of the most flexible creatures on earth. We will never be able to get rid of them—there is too much benefit in this.

As predicted, it didn’t take long for Earth’s Greatest Wankers to declare that the Maui wildfires were a conspiracy.

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that’s great news, because a lot of people non-Blue Check respondents noted on the social media platform formerly known as Twitter, Obama’s home is on Oahu, an entirely separate Hawaiian island not far from Maui. The Maui fires will either require chartering a private boat to travel the 100 miles of Pacific Ocean separating the two, or buying a commercial plane ticket to Honolulu like the rest of us. Most wildfires don’t have that kind of money.

But the fire suspected to have touched “not a single blade of grass,” even on the same island as the Maui fire, let alone in the path of the actual fire, still tweeted to Lucre’s 650,000 followers (right , Zeited). Similar claims are popping up on the internet with other celebrity names uncovering the conspiracy.

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That it will have a picture of Bill Gates’ famous mansion in Bellevue, Washington. A clue may be the prominent pine trees in the surrounding landscape. A quick scan of the Internet reveals only that Gates married on the mostly private island of Lanai and may visit the Big Island from time to time, but with no apparent connection to Maui.

Of course, that’s why it’s a conspiracy. Gates Could Secretly Own That Whole Area Of The Pacific And The Elite Aren’t Telling Us Because It’s Secret, He probably has all the dolphins hooked up to a Wi-Fi connection and they probably all take to the streets of Hawaii in the dark of night, trying to steal everyone’s passwords.

Oh, and the proliferation of these particularly ridiculous claims probably has at least something to do with a billionaire named Elon Musk who is now revealing that he Willing To Pay Cash Rewards For the wankers whose conspiracy theories might be driving the most traffic.

Ground zero for these new Maui claims may or may not be a zitter crank by the name of Matt Wallace, the 1.2 million-follower blue check weenie who’s listed an array of famous people who own property in Maui It may or may not happen. suspiciously Their houses were not burnt. Australian news site news.com.au Single Wallace tweets held up for investigation. notes that Oprah Winfrey Is In fact “one of Maui’s largest private landowners,” and has been very active in emergency relief efforts. She arrived at the War Memorial Stadium in Veluki to determine what relief supplies were still needed and went to nearby Walmart and Costco stores to purchase them.

But Winfrey’s own properties are “relatively far” from the fire, and it prompts a dynamic that is familiar to most people who are alive and have parents: People don’t know the geography of states they’ve never been to. Have not gone If a brush fire threatens homes in Temecula, California, and you live in San Jose, you may have worried relatives calling you to see if you can see the flames . You may have a hard time convincing them that the two cities are 400 miles apart, or roughly the difference between New York City and Columbus, Ohio. if you can Watch the fire, this would be a situation where Jesus Christ personally rode through the flames till Judgment Day and you need to hang up the phone and delete some of the pictures you have stored immediately.

“Maui is on fire” does not mean that literally the entire island of Maui is on fire. damage to Lahaina is devastating, which has engulfed most of the cityand separate upcountry fires Nearly 700 acres of land has been burnt And more than 500 structures,

But the area of ​​both fires is 1% of Maui’s land. If residents of other cities are safe now, it is also expected Good News, no more nefarious conspiracies by the world’s elite. Do you all even listen to yourselves, you lunatics?

See, this is why a large portion of the American public thinks the whole of Portland is a burnout and many Midwestern cities are “no-go zones.” It’s because they listen to twerps like this.

Of course, there are other conspiracy theories floating around as well. A prominent QAnon-style claim that the fires in Maui were started by “space lasers,” because why the f–k not? You can see how this would be a much more believable assumption than “80 mph winds blew down power lines and burned dry brush”. ever heard of power lines fall down?

Then there’s this one, which was promoted by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post because if the newspaper didn’t post at least three conspiracy theories a week, Murdoch would be dried into a dry husk and vacuumed up by his cleaning staff.

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he was stretched one by one xeet bloomberg news reporter Who failed to tell that he heard no such thing. the claim was based on a Pool report from a far-right British tabloid reporter who claimed that even the “lip readers” in the pool didn’t “hear” President Joe Biden say it, but thought they did.

So no, it’s highly unlikely that the President said “no comment” at the outset. He was probably saying “gargle”, because he could smell the egg salad tripe breath of the press pool even from 30 yards away.

Print it, National Press. My lip-reading is as good as anyone else’s.

(Though, seriously, proper oral hygiene is important. Don’t neglect it.)


What happened while we were all on vacation? Something about Donald Trump being impeached not once, but twice! Also in the news: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ campaign fails. There is so much happening!

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